


it'll taint two (but here's to living on.)

by azusa_konno (DecayedDruid)



Category: Readyyy! Project (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Chapter 2 will be bittersweet but not so rip your heart out, Established Relationship, Everyone else is like VAGUELY there but I'm tagging those I explicitly mention, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, I did my boys so dirty in this aha., I need to make up for this big time., I wasn't sure if I was going to write this but then Cae tempted my hand, I'm so sorry Hiyori and Azusa., Kay?, M/M, Oops., Overdosing, Recovery, Suicide, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2019-11-04 13:37:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17899109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DecayedDruid/pseuds/azusa_konno
Summary: Blame Cae for this fic.I really need to upload the actual multi-chap fic for these gays and not one-shots that make zero sense out of context. Only my Readyyy! server will ever understand these until then.First off: THIS TWO-SHOT CONTAINS SUICIDE. If you deal with depression, anxiety, or suicidal ideation, please read with caution or pass over this fanfiction entirely and I insist you reach out for help! You aren't alone, and you are very loved, I promise you.Secondly: This doesn't actually happen in the actual canon / fanfiction I have in mind, I just felt like writing angst and Cae tempted my hand so Ihadto go all out because that's just who I am as a writerand as a person.I only own Hiyori and Junichirou, Producer-san as a concept and the rest of Readyyy! belongs to SEGA.





	1. if you'll have lived on, then that's all i need.

**Author's Note:**

> ~~Blame Cae for this fic.~~ I really need to upload the actual multi-chap fic for these gays and not one-shots that make zero sense out of context. Only my Readyyy! server will ever understand these until then.
> 
> First off: THIS TWO-SHOT CONTAINS SUICIDE. If you deal with depression, anxiety, or suicidal ideation, please read with caution or pass over this fanfiction entirely and I insist you reach out for help! You aren't alone, and you are very loved, I promise you.
> 
> Secondly: This doesn't actually happen in the actual canon / fanfiction I have in mind, I just felt like writing angst and Cae tempted my hand so I _had_ to go all out because that's just who I am as a writer ~~and as a person~~.
> 
> I only own Hiyori and Junichirou, Producer-san as a concept and the rest of Readyyy! belongs to SEGA.

It had all been downhill since that day. Since he arrived, with his disgusting and condescending smirk, hand on hip, jesting at Hiyori about their past and everything they had shared. What _he_ wanted—no, **demanded** —back. Hiyori hated it. Hated him. Junichirou Ichinose was an unfortunate, irremovable stain on the face of this Earth. He remembered the look on Azusa's face—everyone's face, if he was honest... When Junichirou revealed everything. Meteor's shiny past, how he apparently knew of 'Tanuki's phase of dark songs online behind the mask of anonymity. How he had to come visit Shirasu House, because he had to get his precious _Hiyo-chan_ back.

Clasping a hand to his mouth, Hiyori could felt his stomach convulsing and his throat clenching, lurching forward as bile spilled from between his fingers and onto his bedroom floor from the mere remembrance of his pet name. He hated Junichirou. Truly. Fervently. … And yet, he'd never become freed of him. His touch was seared into his skin, his cheeks, his hair, his now vomit covered lips... Hiyori laid limp but trembling on his bed, certain of this. He would always be chained to him. Hiyori hated him. Loathed him. Despised him. Abhorred him.

And that line of hatred very much blurred into his own existence, as well. Azusa's confusion, his pain. As Hiyori grew enraged and dealt a harsh blow across Junichirou's jaw. Screamed at him, cried, told him to leave and never come back—he showed a piece of him that day he didn't want _anyone_ , but especially his precious Azusa, to see. It hurt him to his core, ripped back layers of his being harshly to show the bleeding and fleshy underneath.

Hiyori proceeded to hole up in his office for the next few days, barely coming out after greeting everyone in the mornings. He would not wish anyone a good night if he didn't have to. And he _definitely_ did not look Azusa is his pleading yellow eyes. Hiyori didn't think his heart could take anymore, he was tired, he hurt, he was so fucking— _Guilty_. He felt so guilty, of what crime he committed, he was unsure. But Azusa was his jury, and he didn't want to hear his verdict.

He knew it would come, though, inevitably. He was too much of a coward to wait and let the day arrive. In which Azusa would come in, and become upset, and leave. In which he'd likely end up declining due to this nasty depression, this sickness, this plague, and be let go from DearPro. In which he'd lose every reason he ever gained to live. He was scared. He didn't want to lose it. Didn't want to lose any of it. But he felt so ashamed and selfish that Azusa was what he wanted to hold onto the most. Azusa made his heart sing when he himself could not.

Without Azusa, he'd lose his very soul. And that's why he had to leave while he still had it all.

Hot, fresh tears spilled from his sore and reddened eyes, his throat sore and raw as he pathetically sobbed. It was raspy and almost inaudible—he wouldn't have cared if everyone in the house heard it, he locked his bedroom at night now anyway. But...

' _If I'm actually going to do this, I should probably unlock my door, shouldn't I...?_ ' Hiyori thought, a small _giggle_ of all things bubbling up amongst the sobs. A man laughing whilst attempting suicide? One would squawk at the thought. Or maybe not. Maybe it was more common than others would think, Hiyori realized as he stumbled and unlocked his door. He was about to go stand on death's doorstep himself, so... But it wasn't a giggle of humor. It was one of desperation. Of absolute despair. He didn't _want_ to die. He wanted the pain to stop.

He wanted to be pain-free... With Azusa. Experience every single day... With Azusa. Bask in the morning sunlight, eat his favorite sweets, find more delicious coffee flavors and recipes, pet cute cats and other animals, watch stupid television, hear beautiful and heart-wrenching songs, get a whole stupidly large mountain of rabbit plushies... With Azusa. In the end, he just wanted to spend the rest of his days, big and small, boring and exciting, anything and everything—He wanted it beside Azusa's side. Azusa was his driving force, his happiness, his inspiration, his muse, his happiness, his love...

It all, always, inevitably, unfailingly went back to Azusa. It was always Azusa, but he was going to leave him, wasn't he? Hiyori was ignoring him, Hiyori was an ugly man with filthy personality traits. He truly was undesirable and replaceable now, wasn't he? Hiyori was fake for not being who he once was before, for turning his back on his past. For being stubborn and not wanting to deal with it like he should have before. For not sharing it with him and the rest of the idols, for not leaning on and trusting him like he should have. … Because Hiyori was now leaving Azusa, wasn't he...?

Unable to take his accursed thoughts anymore that simply showed him a smile that continued to impale his chest with spears of ice, the producer walked with long strides over to his desk. He snagged a small bottle and collapsed down on his bed, vision blurred by the volume of tears he kept crying. Hiyori wanted to stop, _Gods he wanted to stop crying so badly_ , but he couldn't. Sniffling, he wrenched the medication's lid off and grabbed his long cold coffee. Even in a fit of suicidal depression, a caffeine-addicted man was what he was.

He was actually going through with this, huh...? 

Deciding even bit by bit was better than all at once, Hiyori took small handfuls of pills. Five to eight pills at a time, wait a little bit, take more despite the gut wrenching nausea and pain. He was getting more and more lightheaded as time went on, the almost empty bottle tumbling to the floor between the bedside table and his bed itself. With pupil-blown eyes, Hiyori simply watched it happen. No panic. … No thoughts, even. Had he ever been this floaty before? Hiyori couldn't recall. His vision began to grow feathered and fuzzy at the edges, body swaying as his unsteadiness grew. Ah, so this was it, huh...? He was just... Gonna fall asleep. Would he have sweet dreams? Would he arrive in the afterlife caught up on all the sleep he missed in this lifetime? It'd be... Nice... To not be so tired for once...

All he could even briefly think of before falling unconscious on the bed was of eyes that shone like the yellow sun and the softest smile that used to always soothe his stormy heart, head landing on his pillow.

– – – – – 

The next morning was quiet, as it had become in the Shirasu House. Azusa learned to become used to it. Did that mean he liked it? No. If he was honest, he hated it. He hated it more than anything he ever felt any form of dislike towards before. Quietness meant Hiyori was still avoiding him. Quietness meant everything that happened prior to all of this was not a dream. That whatever happened with that awful man coming and harassing Hiyori and disrupting their serenity was a reality. Why did he do all that? Why did he feel such a compulsive need to hurt Hiyori so much?

“ _I'm here because you belong to me, Hiyo-chan, and it's high time I get what belongs to me back._ ” he had said. No one owned Hiyori... No one but Hiyori himself! And Azusa wanted to convey all that, and more, to the producer—but after that altercation... He just withdrew entirely. And not just from himself—from everyone. He was no longer the man that was less of a producer and more of a big brother or a friend. He was barely even human, as much as Azusa felt his heart twist at the admission. His eyes were so... Empty, anymore. He was so tired—not even inherently physically—when Azusa _did_ see him. 

He worried. Gods, Azusa worried so much... Mitsuki and Hiro had noticed. Well, who _didn't_ notice would be a better question to ask, but Mitsuki and Hiro offered their shoulders. Takumi, as well, of course, but that was more napping sessions together when Azusa couldn't sleep from nightmares. Nightmares of that Junichirou person coming back and taking Hiyori after all, Hiyori deciding his life with Junichirou was better than what DearPro could provide—what Azusa could provide.

Abandonment was a norm for Azusa—he figured everyone would leave, and it was what he always prepared for, like a reflex at this point. He wouldn't say it didn't hurt, but he learned to numb the pain out and move on. He was the caretaker of all groups, as long as he made others happy, who cared if they moved on? That was what he always thought and trained himself to fall into for routine... But the thought of Hiyori—his now boyfriend, the man he'd become so closely bonded and intertwined with after all this time—leaving him? Azusa wasn't sure if he could emotionally handle that abandonment.

' _We could help and support each other... We're going to be here for each other, even if **we** fall through, until the end... Right, Hiyori?_'

Looking up to the clock, Azusa noted it was time to get Takumi up, there about. But... This was also when Hiyori got his morning tea and helped by waking everyone else up, too. Even as of late, he hadn't stopped doing that, even if he made it curt and short. Was he accidentally sleeping in himself...?

A nasty feeling settling in the pit of his stomach, Azusa rose from the table, finding his palms grow sweaty as he anxiously padded towards Hiyori's bedroom. Would he be mad? Would he yell at Azusa? Would this be the final straw, bothering Hiyori? Would he be glad Azusa did? Would things be fixed? Would they be happy again?

… Was Azusa trembling the whole way to Hiyori's door?

Lifting up a hand, he gently knocked on the door, swallowing thickly. “Hiyori-san, are you awake...? May I come in?”

No answer. Hearing his heartbeat thrumming in his ears, almost deafeningly so, Azusa knocked again and a bit harsher. Still no answer. Feeling a bit too anxious for comfort, the idol instead decided to come in, and placed a hand on the doorknob.

“Hiyori-san...” Azusa called, voice wavering, “I'm coming in, okay? My apologies...”

When he did, he felt the color drain from his face. He's only asleep, right? He's asleep, there's nothing to say otherwise, and sometimes he is a heavy sleeper...

Not having noticed the fallen medication bottle, Azusa pushed through his hesitance, for once in his life no longer allowing it to prevent him from doing something. He was scared, fight-or-flight instinct activating. As he neared the bed, a bad stench hit his nostrils, causing him to recoil. Did Hiyori get sick...? Oh, _oh no_. Please, no. Azusa would take his words back in a heartbeat if it meant what he was _now_ scared of not being his reality.

' _He can leave if he needs to. I won't even stop him, but please, **please** , don't let Hiyori be dead-!_'

“Hiyori-?” Azusa rasped, voice cracking as he choked up. He didn't even try to stop the panicked tears. The skin he touched when reaching out was as cold as ice. Feeling his heartbeat skyrocket, Azusa's breath hitched and caught in his throat. He started frantically shaking the man, trying desperately, _desperately_ to wake Hiyori up. He wasn't dead right? Right?! He was just sleeping and the air was up too high, he wasn't dead, _**he wasn't dead**_!!

Next thing he knew, Azusa was being pulled away from Hiyori by _Touya and Chihiro_ of all people. The other idols stood in the hall, a mixture of reception, but none of it was positive. When did they arrive? How did they know-? What was happening?!

“He's not dead, right?! … Right?” Azusa felt himself crumbling, the adrenaline leaving his body as it thrummed through his veins. He stared his unit members down, probably seeming entirely off-kilter, but he didn't care. Not in the slightest. He didn't care about anything _if the man he loved was dead_. “... Guys, please. Please, tell me Hiyori's not dead. Please...”

“Azu...” Takumi spoke softly, waddling over and kneeling down to hug him. Azusa's eyes widened, shaking and beginning to cry into the green-haired boy's shoulder. He grasped onto his cardigan, needing something to keep him tethered to reality.

Why wasn't anyone telling him Hiyori wasn't dead? He couldn't have been, right...? Azusa knew he could only ask himself that for so long before he knew it was actually true. Hiyori had died, and Azusa didn't do a damn thing to stop him. Hiyori was hurting bad enough that he decided death was his only option, and Azusa didn't even see it.

… What kind of person was Azusa for that to happen? Why did Hiyori have to die on him...? Love hurt. As did grief. And, as life had you find out typically in the hard way, they go hand in hand.


	2. you are my light that never fades.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Closure is received, and it gets easier to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  ~~Yeah, that's right, you now see two out of three. Muahaha. The third chapter will definitely be the last, though.~~ I cried while writing parts of this. Please enjoy it. qwq It's catharsis and wholesome AND ALSO NEW OC...

In the blink of an eye, about three years had gone by. Azusa was the age Hiyori was when he'd died now, and he found it hard to stomach more often than not. He often kept in touch with a lot of the idols, but after all of that, he found himself with a heart too heavy to continue performing. In the past, after all three of the former SP!CA units disbanded, he thought he would always persevere through the most trying of times... But this had taken enough of a toll that Azusa had to leave. The rest of them had understood and just wanted what was best for him. Azusa wasn't leaving Kamakura, though. He couldn't.

Shirasu House was too painful to stay in, but he couldn't leave the place that held all the memories he'd made with the person he loved so much. And everyone else, too. Everyone here, that mattered to him more than most anything else... He had gotten a job in another confectionery shop, finding himself taking comfort in a career similar to his family, making a decent living and getting an apartment. Life was alright, all things considered. Drastically different from what he had imagined before it all... But alright.

It was lonely. So lonely, and sometimes Azusa wished he could just go to sleep and give in. He missed Hiyori a lot, sometimes so much he had to take whole days so he could just crumble. He'd become friends with a co-worker, a young girl named Himiko, and on those days she'd visit when she could and make Azusa tea and comfort him. She made his grieving a lot easier, because Azusa couldn't give in. No matter what, Azusa simply couldn't, it was against his entire being.

Even if he wanted to stop, Hiyori would have wanted him to keep going. Even if he wanted to sleep forever, Hiyori wouldn't want Azusa to permanently shut his glowing golden eyes. Even if it felt impossible on some days, Hiyori wouldn't want Azusa to erase his smile. Hiyori wouldn't want Azusa to give up, especially for him. The now ex-idol even got a small irezumi phoenix tattoo over his heart as a reminder—a peer pressure impulse decision from Himiko. He couldn't bring himself to regret it, though his family was never going to find out about it, lest he have an unintentional death wish.

As he woke up one morning, Azusa found himself oddly calm. The sunlight peeked through the blinds, casting slits of light onto the sheets. He sat up slowly and yawned, stretching almost cat-like and dropping his arms almost ungracefully at his sides with dull 'thud'. He had to get ready, and thankfully it felt easier than most mornings to get up and get dressed.

He didn't want to keep him waiting, and he never would want to. He would've never dreamed of it.

Azusa stood, and made quick work of brushing out his hair in his bathroom, taking a minute to observe how much longer it'd gotten in the past three years. He wondered for a second if it would be this long if things hadn't changed. He wondered if Hiyori would've played with it more. If he would've styled it more often—how he would have styled it. He could've done a lot more with it, it easily reached Azusa's rear now. Feeling his chest beginning to ache, Azusa swiftly placed the brush down and put it up in its usual ponytail before walking out.

He quickly threw on a white v-neck t-shirt, followed by his black cardigan and some nice pants. Putting on his shoes, the dark purple-haired man picked up his phone when there was a small and cheery 'chirp!' ringtone. It had to have been Himiko, she set the ringtone herself. Lord knows Azusa couldn't have, he was still as technologically illiterate as always. Taking a second to unlock his phone, Azusa tapped the screen to see Himiko's text messages. It took him a second, but he managed as he grabbed another item with his free hand. He needed this as he made his departure. Noting the door was locked, he read his text as he made his descent down the apartment stairs.

 **> Himicchi:** I'm outside Azu!! (⌒▽⌒) Come down whenever you're ready, okay? I don't want to rush you, but I wanted to let you know.

Looking up to the brown and pink haired girl, yellow eyes met brown ones as Azusa smiled softly. It didn't quite reach his eyes, but Himiko reciprocated nonetheless and offered her arm.

“Let's go, yeah?” Himiko's voice sounded like auditory sunshine and sugar, “I don't think we should keep him waiting, he might get a bit pouty that you kept him. You look awfully dapper!”

Azusa blushed deeply, feeling the heat go all the way up to his ears as he took Himiko's arm. It almost felt like she was walking him down the aisle at his wedding with the way she was talking, instead of down the sidewalk... “Th-thank you, Himiko-chan. I appreciate it, I wouldn't want to look anything less for this...”

“Of course! It's important to you, I understand,” Himiko hummed with sing-song voice. The duo walked the rest of the way in comfortable silence, Azusa fiddling with the item in hand absent-mindedly. He hoped it would be satisfactory, but he always got the best he could possibly find...

Eventually they arrived, and Azusa looked up and felt his stomach twist and his heart flutter. The cemetery. A place he visited about four times a year now, at least—New Years, their anniversary in the early summer, Hiyori's birthday on August 25th, and Christmas Eve. Sometimes he visited simply because he missed Hiyori and wanted to—this happened to be one of those times. Himiko couldn't always go with him, when she couldn't, he often went alone. The other idols were often busy, and while they often visited when back in Kamakura and free, it was often just Azusa and Himiko.

“I'll be waiting outside like I always d—” Himiko began, but Azusa cut her off.

“Do you want to meet him?” he asked, voice incredibly soft. Himiko paused, incredibly taken aback. The offer was never given before, and while Azusa never rejected Himiko, she could always tell it was an incredibly sore spot for Azusa. She always saw the hurt in his eyes, and she knew of the way Hiyori had passed. She knew Azusa had been the one to find his body, and that they had found a drafted note awhile after the fact. That Azusa still blamed himself to this day. She wasn't sure he'd ever really stop. She hoped he someday could.

“A-Azusa-kun...” She murmured, using his full name. “... Are you sure? I don't want to impose.”

“If you'd like, I insist. He would have loved you.”

Himiko's shoulders sagged from the weight of her emotions. She swallowed and nodded, eyes beginning to burn and sting with the promise of tears. “Of course, Azu... I'd love to.”

They both walked in, a bittersweet air hanging around them both. Himiko helped Azusa in grabbing a bucket and preparing the scrub brush and water, as well as the incense and match. Eventually they came to a grave marker and Azusa knelt down, beginning to pick the weeds that had collected there and trimming it up. Himiko watched the scene from a bit back, her gaze tender and serene. It was obvious from his movements and gaze how caring Azusa was for Hiyori's grave, and the way he washed and caressed the stone of the grave marker to check for any other dirt and grime was as if it was Hiyori himself.

Azusa set up the incense and lit it, as well as placing the bouquet of red spider lilies and white dahlias alongside some mitarashi dango. He placed his hands together, praying silently for a couple of minutes. Once he was finished, Himiko went over next to Azusa, kneeling down next to him. She was respectfully silent, but in closer proximity to Azusa for comfort. The ex-idol smiled in a melancholy fashion, but despite that, he was the most at ease than she'd ever seen him before.

“Hi, Hiyori...” Azusa started, his voice hardly above a whisper. “I'm back again. I brought a friend with me this time, her name is Takizawa Himiko. I met her about a year and a half ago—you know how I told you I got a new job at a confectionery shop here, yes? We're co-workers, but we see each other outside of work as well. She's very kind, and I've told her all about you... I think you two would've gotten along really well. She likes cute and small birds, and I think they would have complimented your bunny collection very well.

“Today's been easier than most, actually. And my tattoo is healing very well. I think you would've been proud of the needlework... And I hope that you would still be proud of me. I still feel guilty every day that I had to quit being an idol. But after everything, I don't think I could have given it my all anymore. Everything is so reminiscent of you, and as it is now, there still an ache that's so distinctly you... I'm crawling along as it is. But I'm still going on, Hiyori, because I know it's what you would have wanted of me. It hurts a lot, and some days I'm not so sure I can over come it all... But I have, and I do. Your smiling face, your laugh, your warm hugs, your voice... It all carries me through.

“Those memories of what we had, they make my chest ache. But they also make me smile, and I won't ever let them go. I don't want to lose you, what I have left of you. I can't grow up with you anymore, but I can grow up with the memories I have of you, and I truly do plan to do just that. I didn't expect to have all of these emotions given to me by you, and all of this pain, but surprisingly enough... I can't be upset, Hiyori. I can't be mad at you. I don't want to be. Because I love you too much to be angry. I was confused back then, and to be honest, I still am now.

“I still don't know why you never talked to me. I don't know why we couldn't have faced each other. I wish you could have at least given me a proper goodbye. You were an honest coward, but you're my honest coward, and you will be until I take my final breath. And you will be after that, too. You're an idiot, Hiyori Tsukasa. An absolute fool, but I wouldn't ever trade it for anything.”

Himiko gently bit her lip, tears welling up in her eyes as she watched the teardrops make tracks down Azusa's face. She had seen the Azusa who was silent, the Azusa who would cry and wail for his deceased lover in her embrace, the Azusa who could barely get up and tend to his appearance, let alone eat or get water. She had seen the most deepest parts of his sadness and grieving, the Azusa who wanted more than anything to be with Hiyori again.

But never before had she seen this Azusa. The Azusa who touched the stone marker like he was caressing a flushed cheek, who smiled as if he was staring into glittering royal purple eyes like they never even left, who spoke like he had seen the other only the day before. He truly did love Hiyori, and she could tell. She wondered if soulmates actually did exist, if that's what she was witnessing in this current moment. Her heart ached for Azusa, and she hoped she could find something as pure and heart-warming as this sight before her.

“I'm sure he knows how much you love and miss him, Azusa-kun,” Himiko murmured, turning her gaze to Hiyori's small portrait. A photo of him and Azusa, probably placed there by the man next to her. The corners of her lips quirked further upwards.

“I have indeed heard quite a bit, Hiyori-san,” the girl bowed her head respectfully, “He speaks highly of you, you know. You must have truly been such an amazing man to win the affections of Azu-kun. It's a pleasure working with him, he makes the most delicious food, and he has a way with Senryūs. I hope you can rest a bit easier knowing he is with others that love him and will watch over him in your stead. I will support him for you, Hiyori-san. He truly tries for you. Everything he does is in your name. It's... Absolutely astounding, beautiful, and something I don't think everyone gets the privilege to see. I hope you both remain intertwined in the next life, the love you share isn't found so easily.”

As she finished, Himiko looked to Azusa, who stared at her with wide and awe-struck eyes. His gaze was reddened with puffiness and teariness, and Himiko offered a more confident, comforting smile.

“You've become one of my best friends, Azusa-kun. I support you, and I want you to find your happiness. I'm sure Hiyori-san would like the same,” Himiko's voice may have wavered, but her resolve was firm. As she said that, a breeze rolled through, gently tossing both of their hair into the air and tickling their sun-kissed skin. Perhaps it was sentimentality saturating the whole thing, perhaps Azusa was truly going insane, but he could've sworn it was Hiyori.

' _She's right, it's okay. Please forgive yourself and truly move forward. I love you._ '

As Himiko held out a hand and helped Azusa clean up the grave site and leave, the man felt something he'd never felt before since his tragedy had struck: Closure. He wouldn't ever let go of Hiyori, and he knew he was more than content living his life with his memories of Hiyori as his companion to grow old with, but... It would get easier.

It wasn't over, but it was going to be okay. Azusa knew it.


	3. finale: red strings never sever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter, in which farewells and a solid, unwavering foundation for closure are established.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Aaaaaaa_ , this is it! I kept trying to tick this back down to two chapters and be done with it, admittedly, but AO3 wouldn't stop malfunctioning every time I tried. So I took it as a sign and finished it. Here! Angst but also some fluff!!! (Confetti)
> 
> I only own Hiyori. SEGA has no rights. :)

It was just another morning, Azusa couldn’t help but think to himself as he sighed softly whilst waking up. He startled, eyes snapping open and jumping a bit as his warm breath fanned out against another’s skin. Just who was he curled up to--?

The ex-idol went to jerk back in fear, but a gentle and comforting hand reached out and caught him by wrapping around his back, preventing him from pulling too far away. Suddenly two glistening violet eyes met glittering, sunny yellow. What? No. No way. It couldn’t have been…

“Long time no see, I guess?” Hiyori’s voice was soft, hesitant, awkward. He quirked an eyebrow curiously. The other was lost for words. There was no way, absolutely no possible way, Hiyori Tsukasa was laying before him right now. He--he was… His lover was dead. Gone. And had been. He just went to his grave only four days ago with Himiko. And yet, despite that, there was his distinct scent, the warmth of his skin beneath Azusa’s fingertips…

“I…” blinking a few times in disbelief, Azusa shook his head a bit. Impossible, he had to be dreaming, or something. “I don’t--”

“You are,” Hiyori’s voice was now sorrowful, meek, as his gaze was redirected downwards. This couldn’t get anymore confusing. “You are dreaming. This is a dream. I’m sorry, Azusa. But please, despite that, can you lay here with me for a bit? Like we used to?”

Feeling his chest start to essentially cave in on itself, voice crackling, tears burned in the corners of his eyes. How could he say yes? With this Hiyori, a ghost of his past, someone acting like this was no big deal? Like he _wasn’t_ ripping his heart out of his chest all over again?

“... You have to be joking right now.”

Grimacing, Hiyori reached up with his free hand, hesitantly reaching towards Azusa’s freshly tear-streaked cheek. When Azusa’s stare only became harsher, sharper, he cupped the other’s face, thumb tenderly stroking the flesh. Hiyori’s own eyes were becoming misty now on his otherwise neutral features, and it was hard to read him, which only made Azusa even more miffed, if he was honest. Wasn’t he upset? Sad? Didn’t he feel bad?

“That gaze is so cold, Azusa... It's the coldest thing I've felt in the past few years, haha. Please believe me when I say I wasn’t trying to hurt you. But... You can be upset, angry, bitter; you can hate me, even--"

" ** _Hate_** you? Hiyori, if it truly is you, you'd know _full_ well that I'm upset **because** I don't hate you. These few years have been SO hard, and now you're just showing up right in front of my face--Having me waking up to you like I haven't wished I could do this again since the day--"

He finally broke. A sob, Azusa's brows furrowed and he looked away, eyes screwed shut. A shaky breath, but he couldn't suddenly turn away now…

"Since the day you _left me_? The one single person I trusted more than **_anyone_** else to stay by my side? What a slap in-"

And suddenly Azusa couldn’t speak anymore, his mouth covered by Hiyori’s. It was all so much, almost _too much_ ; the warmth, the pressing of Hiyori against him, the fact he could feel the franticness and emotion in Hiyori’s movement. He loved it, he missed it so horribly, he wanted it so badly, and that’s why it hurt him so much. He couldn’t have Hiyori back forever. He didn’t know if this was some weird otherworldly occurrence, or his mind working against him.

Was the former even possible? The fact Azusa even considered it was probably the beginnings of grief-induced insanity. He felt a giggle, wretched and filled with despair, bubbling up in the back of his throat as the other person with the face of his deceased lover kissed him for everything he was worth.

Azusa hated himself for not stopping this.

It felt like ages, but was probably seconds before Hiyori pulled away from him, just a little. His breath fanned out over Hiyori’s lips. Impossible. Stop. Stop it. He shouldn’t need to breathe, shouldn’t be _breathing_ \--

“You’re overthinking, Azusa,” Hiyori’s voice was heavy with the weight of sadness and regret. “I… Listen, please, can I please give my side? This is a dream, yes, but please believe me when I say it’s _me_ , it’s no fake. This isn't any form of mind games.”

“Prove it,” the words left Azusa’s mouth before he could stop it, but he couldn’t blame himself or regret it.

Hiyori paused, conflict entering his eyes. The silence dragged out, anxiety rising in the ex-idol’s chest. Anxiety began to warp into disappointment and pain when the once producer spoke.

“Do you know that ring I use to wear on my left pinky that my mother gave you after services?” Hiyori’s voice wavered, was so soft Azusa had to strain himself to hear it. … The fact Hiyori knew it was his own mother that gave Azusa that ring had him taken aback, but it couldn’t inherently be proof. He himself already had this information. The young man slowly nodded in recognition.

“I started wearing that before we got together, I don’t know if you ever noticed that,” Hiyori laughed weakly, his turn now to anxiously break eye contact. “But if you know about the red string of fate… That’s why, that’s why I got it and started wearing it. I’ve always been a sappy romantic, even if only behind closed doors, you know that. And I just… I was drawn to you unlike any other way I’d been drawn to anyone else, ever. It was more than just a crush, than just falling in love after we started dating, to me. It was a deeper connection I didn’t know how to convey to anyone, not even myself… Aside from getting that pinky ring and discreetly beginning to wear it. My mother only found out after… After what happened. I always hoped you were on the other end of my red string, but after Junichi--”

“ ** _Do not say his name._** ” Azusa’s voice was vehement and filled with tension despite his once again misty eyes, catching Hiyori off-guard. _He_ was not going to ruin this. _He_ was not going to have power over them in this moment. _Junichirou Ichinose’s name_ would not be uttered here. It was just them. Just Azusa. Just Hiyori.

Only them.

“Hiyori, you absolute _fool_ ,” Azusa’s voice was still forceful, but with emphasis, not anger. “That’s the only place I **_ever_** wanted to be. If you would’ve just--just… Talked to me… There’s so much i wanted to say, but you were so withdrawn and angry. You shut everyone down and out. Including me. And then, you--you started a- _avoiding me_ \--”

“Hey, hey, sh-sh-shhh,” a gentle hushing as Hiyori brought the gently hiccuping and sobbing Azusa closer, kissing him quiet once more. Azusa reciprocated this time, tightly gripping Hiyori’s shoulder with one hand and placing a balled up fist against his chest. If he never woke up from this, it’d be fine. He’d be fine. He’d be happy. He’d be with Hiyori. But, like before…

Hiyori pulled away, slowly, still hovering close. once again, amethyst eyes met molten gold, the two males holding onto each other like if they let each other go the whole world would fall apart at the seams. Azusa briefly thought if they did, maybe it would. He had the afterthought that he was more okay with that than he probably should be.

A small, sad smile spread across Hiyori’s lips. “Please continue on. You can’t cut your story short like I did mine. You have so much potential, Azusa, everyone else needs to see my beloved star’s light at his brightest some day. Promise me. Please. You won’t quit.”

“Hiyori…”

“Your tattoo’s still healing,” **_He knew. Hiyori knew._** “It would be in poor taste to the artist and your body as a canvas if you damaged it so soon. Promise me, Azusa, love.”

Unrestrained sobbing now. Catharsis so strong, closure so _definite_ , Azusa couldn’t keep the dam together anymore. despite that, he found himself nodding, despite how much he was paining his heart all the while.

“If only for you, I promise, like I did before,” Azusa managed. “Always for you, Hiyori. I-... I love you. Please don’t forget it, please-”

“-I won’t. And don’t you forget how much I reciprocate your feelings. You are my entire world, Azusa, even now. You always were. I’m always with you, until the end stretch. Don’t give up. Keep on running, make it to the top.” Hiyori’s words were something Azusa knew would become a mantra in his mind.

And as Azusa’s wet eyes slowly fluttered opened, his body genuinely waking to reality, and as he rose to look to the pinky ring on the bedside table that he immediately snatched and placed onto his own left pinky finger... 

_I promise. I’ll live on. For you. I’ll live on, and not give up, if it’s the last thing I do, Hiyori. Keep faith in me. I’ll find my way back to your end of the string some day. Don't stop waiting for me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Twitter @/akchgr!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm only enabling comment moderation due to the dark and heavy content of this fic. Please feel free to comment, etc. if you would like to, I encourage it if anything!! Thank you for reading.~


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